The prompt for my International Zine Month 2020: Zine A Day project for Day 25 was Viewfinder. For me, that meant finding beauty in different perspectives of my body…
I have always struggled with accepting my body for what it is, and I have never loved it. I hate looking in the mirror, I am never happy with the figure that looks back at me. I truly do believe that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I can never apply that belief to myself. The low self confidence within me is so deep rooted it seems to be almost a genetic flaw, something passed down by the unhappy women that came before me. We all avoid the judgemental eyes behind the silvered glass. For as long as I can remember, I have always known in some way that my body is inadequate, not fit for purpose, not desirable. I want to change my mind.
As I age, I am slowly beginning to care less about what others think of me, and I think that is slowly, very slowly, starting to have an impact on how I look at myself. Perhaps it is my anger and apathy at the world that helps me to not care about the opinions of others… but it is helping. Slowly. Very slowly.
This little exercise is a step closer in finding that lost love for my body. I used a viewfinder to select different parts of me that I usually try to hide. I enlisted Stuart to help me photograph them. Stuart has always been good at helping me to love myself, and today was no exception. When we had taken enough photos, I downloaded them to my laptop and forced myself to flick through them. There were imperfect images in there, and it took me all my effort not to just delete them all. I didn’t. They are still in a little folder on my laptop. I then used these images to create illustrations. Making myself focus on the images enough to draw them was supposed to make me see the beauty in my body. I think I did. A little bit at least. This journey to self love is a long way, and this is but a small step… and I am glad I took it. It did help. I am growing. Slowly. Very slowly.
One day I will get there. For now, here is a zine…