Day 25 – 16/04/2020
Today I braved a Skype call, and hung out with Rosie to have a fantastic virtual zine-making session. I had skipped out on a virtual D&D session the other day due to dodgy wifi signals and a flair up of anxiety. We talked it over, I felt a little guilty, but I think we got to a good place through the conversation, but I am still a little irked at Stuart for initiating this. It sparked an inspiration in me and I made my mini-zine all about anxiety: I don’t hate you… I just have ANXIETY. “I cancelled plans again. I had a reason. An excuse. It wasn’t a good excuse. I just jumped on any reason I could not to do the thing I was scared of. The plans were for something I was going to enjoy. Plans with people I like hanging out with. People I care about. So why did I want to cancel those plans so badly? Our hangout was happening virtually. We were going to be playing a game on Skype. A video call. A phone call without being able to hide. Socially distancing. Why am I scared to talk on the phone? Where does that fear come from? It is an intense fear. A panic that builds and builds. The sound of a phone ringing causes me to tremble. I am conflicted. I want the joy experience from seeing my friends, but I am in a panic. A fear that I cannot name that will not subside. Anxiety does not care about what I want. I am sorry, my friends. I do not cancel because of you. I do not tell you about my panic because I feel stupid. The guilt and shame eat away at me, but that is quiet and the anxiety is loud. I have no answers. Only apologies.” Thank you Rosie, for being understanding, and easing my anxiety a little. This evening, we ventured outside our gate and stood on the streets to clap for keyworkers once more. This tradition is important; we need more than clapping and stupid badges, but this show of support is how we help to express our value in the NHS and all our crucial keyworkers. If the importance of that value can extend to the powers that be, perhaps they will start to provide the NHS with the financial support they need! Speaking of, congratulations Captain Tom Moore for completing all 100 laps and raising more than £15m for the NHS. The 99 year old war veteran achieved his goal while members of his regiment from the Yorkshire Guard stood in honour for his final lap. His story is so beautiful and I am immensely proud of him and everyone who has donated to the cause.