Day 17 – 08/04/2020
My main achievement from today was re-organising, and cleaning, my desk. I am happy to have some order, and it was a task that has needed done for a while, but I am sad that this was my only real effort from today. There was a supermoon last night. Is that why I am miserable today? Astrology has never meant anything to me, but desperate times and all that! Unfortunately, I just need to face the real reason I am depressed and anxious instead of turning to the stars for haphazard guidance… I am stuck inside and it is getting to me. There, I said it. Saying it does not help. Millions of people are stuck inside, so why do I get to be miserable. Surely, I should be using this time to be mindful, learn to be a domestic goddess, practice yoga, get in shape, get in tune, create a masterpiece, write a gratefulness diary… and all that other shit I keep seeing on Instagram. Be productive. Make this time count. Stop lazing about. Go out for walks. Learn a new skill. So much pressure, yet none at all. I keep putting pressure on myself. I want to be productive, I want to use this time wisely, but I keep getting too wrapped up in my own head. That feeling of overwhelm that I battle against all too often keeps creeping in and is held over me like a weight that I am powerless to fight against. Then I remember that I am blessed. I live in a nice house, I get on with my family, we are not going to run out of food, or toilet roll, I am lucky, and I am grateful. Then I feel worse for feeling bad. All problems are relative right? Or am I just a privileged twat who should quit whining? Maybe I need to stop being so self-absorbed. I read today that Boris managed to sit up in bed, and was looking better, while at the same time reading that over 900 people died in one day in the UK from Coronavirus. Where were the people to clap for their recovery? This human story is full of such rapid changes, not one of us is able to absorb all of it. “There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.” – Vladimir Ilyich Lenin. These weeks are decades. We focus on the small, digestible questions because they are easy. What will I have for dinner tonight? Will I risk going for a walk in the park today? Are we still allowed to go to the Post Office? How many toilet rolls are left? These questions are much easier to think about than what we are trying to avoid. Therein lays our collective anxiety and sadness. The reason my productivity has plummeted, and I am faced with a fear I cannot explain. There are lingering questions that nobody wants to answer. Will this virus get to me? Will it kill someone I love? Are we safe?